Monday Morning Ramblings

I waver on this blog between wanting to just talk about events in my family and posting fun pictures of what goes on here and waxing philosophical about things I've been thinking about. Today is probably more of a "What Anna has been thinking about" kind of day.

My life seems to go in cycles between feeling in charge and feeling swamped. I don't know that the actual quantity of work goes up or down in correlation to the accompanying emotions, so I'm left wondering what I need to "fix" or change so that I can have longer periods of In Chargeness and shorter sessions of Buried-Underness. It's been a weekend of the latter. It's strange to me that on the surface nothing was "bad" or "depressing." I took Owen to his double-header basketball games and the two youngest kids behaved well. I got to visit with a good friend of mine who also has a son on Owen's team. We went to lunch after the game. Over the rest of the day in trying to get kids to do their Saturday jobs and trying to get cleaning of my own done, however, I found myself getting more and more fatigued, mostly emotionally. So I took off my Captain Productivity apron and settled on leftovers for dinner. I even went to a movie ("Dear John") with a group of women from my neighborhood. I think I liked the movie (it's a tear-jerker, though, if you're inclined to cry in a movie), but I came out of it emotionally drained. And this carried through into Sunday. Usually if I'm unhappy or cranky on Fast Sunday (in our church we fast for two meals on the first Sunday of the month and donate the money we would have used on those meals to the poor) it's because my blood sugar is too low. But I went into the day feeling out-of-sorts. I gave up on fasting early. It helped a little. I spent the afternoon sleeping, which helped a little too. My parents even called, and that helped. So today I'm feeling a bit more chipper...

I think the metamorphosis from In Charge to Overwhelmed happens gradually enough that when I do feel overwhelmed it is a sudden, holy-cow-I-can't-do-this-any-more moment. It always takes me by surprise. I'm sure some of it is hormone-related. Stupid hormones. But there's a big part of my psyche that loathes that thought because I want to be In Charge. All the time. As I look back over the past week it's hard to pinpoint where the metamorphosis even began. So how do you change something if you can't figure out the trigger?

By the end of today I am more my "old" self than the brooding, sad one. I'm still working of figuring things out. Hopefully insight is around the corner.