Seven Year Old Willpower or The Power of Wills Struggle

As the school year began Liam was a changed boy. As the first day of assigned homework approached he excitedly looked forward to having homework. I wondered what had happened to the boy from first grade who finally got grounded to the living room every day after school while I was teaching piano so I could oversee the homework getting done before he left to go play. The first week of homework went along swimmingly. No complaints or arguments. Liam brought it home every day. He was even cheerful about it.

Over the ensuing weeks, however, I began to notice that the homework pages weren't coming home as regularly. I knew we had finally hit the wall, however, when one of the other kids who had been assigned to clean the main floor bathroom came to me with several of Liam's homework pages found hidden under the bathroom rug. I also got an email from his teacher saying that homework was assigned Monday through Thursday. So I knew he wasn't being honest about the "no homework" thing on those days. We were back to battle.

I have many conflicted feelings about homework at this age. I firmly believe that the only homework that should be assigned is reading. Kids need to be reading in school and reading at home, aloud and silently. Anything else should be taken care of at school. Once my kids come home they are mine, to do chores, to play with their friends, to play by themselves. They should be unencumbered by school assignments so that families have time together to do fun things and work things. Orson Scott Card wrote two excellent essays on this subject that I wholeheartedly agree with. Click on Homework I and Homework II. On the other hand, I also firmly believe in supporting my children's teachers. I don't want my children to think they can pull the "My child can do no wrong" trick. But here in the case of Liam, there's got to be a happy medium somewhere.

Last week I finally told Liam that if he didn't bring his spelling words home that I would give him my own spelling words and he would have to write them out five times each instead of the three times his teacher asks him to. If he would just do the assignment from school as asked, it would only take him ten or fifteen minutes. Well, we had outright rebellion last Tuesday. He had forgotten his spelling words. Again. So this time I wrote out some new ones for him (like diligence, cheerful, quickly) and told him he had to write them five times. As his looks darkened I told him that if he crumpled his paper or threw a tantrum that he would have to write them ten times each. So he promptly crumpled his paper and snapped his pencil in half because he was angry. Since I was teaching there was nothing I could except tell him he had to stay in his chair until I was done teaching and that he would get to write the words twenty times each if he didn't finish by the time I was finished. So he said no, he wouldn't and he curled up in his chair and went to sleep.

When I was done teaching I had him come into the kitchen to write his spelling words with the remaining broken half of his pencil twenty times. He argued with me about it and then announced that he was running away to Josh's house (a playmate of his). We had a long discussion about it, with me explaining that the neighbors weren't going to take him in because he already had a home. I finally decided I was done with the conversation and told him to sit on the back porch in time out until he was ready to come in and do his spelling. He sat there for a few minutes and then I saw him march off across the lawn to Josh's house.

I tried calling over to their house, but there was no answer. I called a couple of other neighbors he'd mentioned he would try to go live with to explain what he was up to. After about twenty minutes I went out to find him. He was at another friend's house, next door, playing video games. Sigh. I talked with the mom and she said she had just come home to find Liam wandering back and forth between a couple of houses and that he had asked if he could come over and play. I sent him ahead on home and when I got back a few minutes later he had sneaked onto the computers to play them! Unbelievable.

This contest of wills is spilling over into everything. He won't clean his room unless I am standing right there. He doesn't do any of his jobs unless he has adult supervision at all times. I'm in a pickle because I don't have the time I did when my oldest was his age to be the constant supervisor. I have three other children, piano students, and a busy household to run. I've talked with his teacher about the spelling thing and we've agreed to several acceptable alternatives. She is wonderful to work with, and very helpful. What's so frustrating is Liam generally an affectionate, kind boy. He likes to work alongside me...sometimes. But teaching him to work independently is not working. I told him yesterday that he wouldn't get dinner until his room was clean. That didn't bother him. Grounding doesn't do anything. As far as the bedroom cleanliness thing goes, maybe I just take everything away. But that still doesn't teach him to stick with a job until it's done. And he is sneaky. If he doesn't want to do something he waits until my back is turned and then he sneaks off to go do something else. He sneaks off to play on the computers. He sneaks into food in the pantry. He sneaks off to his friends' homes. Or he just sits in his room and plays with stuff in there. I haven't yet found the button or the reward that will consistently motivate him. AGH!!

So all of you parenting gurus out there, HELP! What do you do with a child so stubborn?